i moved over to senseofnon.wordpress.com

its much cooler.

long walk. fall walk.

i walked out of church into the perfect fall weather, the weather that makes me nostalgic for the anticipation of change and accustoming to a new normal.
whether it the beginning of another school year, a new home, adapting to a new community
fall always means settling after the change. makes me the most restless. or rather the need for walks becomes more apparent.
i was briefly browsing other books by julia cameron (the artist's way author)...in skimming a sequel she wrote to, i noticed she kept the same principles of morning pages, weekly artist date
but added: weekly LONG walk.
because walks are therapy for a full brain.
(and cheap therapy i might add)

the fall is when i start walking and can't stop. its a combination: beautiful trees, sweaters, bright sun, crisp air, the blue sky (which is darker and brighter than the summer one), leaves on the ground, especially red ones
in fact i wonder if shaun tan was inspired to write
the red tree
because after a really long day, that he couldn't remember who he was
or what he was doing
and seemed that he was waiting for something, without sense or reason
and so
he walked and kept walking and every so often
a beautiful red leaf would be quietly lying on the path, restoring belief
that beauty constantly exists in all the dark places; amongst chaos of life.

fall. such a simple, appropriate word for the season.
the leaves letting go of the branches
our eyes lowering from the busyness of summer, preparing our bodies for the winter, a more introspective time.

fall induces long walks. and somehow each walk is reminiscent to chicago, central city, huemoz, jackson, seattle, henderson.
this is when all the places of my life, share something in common.

banned book month.

for some reason i always anticipate banned book month. honestly, it may have something to do with my obsession with lists. and i do mean obsession. and mostly with book lists. i like making lists of books i've read, books i want to read, books i want to read in the next month, books i want to purchase. and then i like to print off lists to cross them out, planning for what to read next...
TIME Magazine | the complete list (17 read)

ALA Banned/Challenged Books (23 proudly read + current read 'tropic of cancer' = 24)

Image Journal 100 Writers of Faith (17ish read)

i'm not sure where the need to read things banned has come from...there are actually several different banned/challenged books lists where i've read close to 50%...

(which is maybe the reason i find it hard to recommend things to my mother.)
because once you read something beautiful, its hard to settle
for crap...happy endings.
i constantly want to be washed in beautiful words, lost in a story that consumes my emotions,
a story that makes it past the pages to my everyday conversation.

a book that sticks with you for years,
is a rarity, but something i feel a worthy cause- reading for the purpose of finding more to add to my own pool to pull from
of books that have given an abundance of stimulating richness,
that paint pictures of violence and then of grace.
they usually are not on the bestseller list.

of course, what am i currently recommending....
. god of the small things (a. roy): beautiful, sad, endearing, oh so endearing.
. things fall apart (c. achebe): really stark picture of westernization overtake of nigeria
. my name is asher lev (c. potok): i still refer to this book on a weekly basis
. barabbas (p. lagerkvist): one of the best pictures of christian community
. children at the gate (e. wallant): thank you dr.derosset for this one. truly a gem.

play.rewind.play.ffwd.play.pause

i want to hit all the buttons on the vhs at once. trust me, its a good movie. i want to rewind to the weekend in portland. or further back to other weekends in other places. play to keep moving. but pause because
i cant even do things like write in a blog daily
or collect myself...make sure i'm REALLY ready to enjoy, be in the day.

play.

wait, no fast forward..to other things, such as
-grad school at PSU...yes the interview went well. if i at least pass the GRE, mail off the application, i should be returning to student status next september.
-kenya. as their intern. an amazing opportunity has maybe found itself in my lap.

however, these are all speculations. its that horrible place to exist.
in-between. i hate that place; it's like standing inside a cardboard box while its raining and you're kind of dry, but hoping it stops soon
but because you're seeking some kind of warmth and dryness,
you stay in the box
and so the ending of the rain, remains completely speculative.

bleh. to speculation. to the place that is somewhere
and yet
nowhere.

the burning process.

tomorrow is train day. train to portland. for several reasons. mostly though to get away.(but i promise to write about psu)i keep wondering if this will be the magical three days i'll return and feel "rested." will i come back filled with abundant patience and kindness? will i? will i?
im tired of feeling disconnected from what i am passionate about. i could quote years of myself journaling about this persistent epidemic i seem to never quite kick. what does is mean to be CONNECTED?
i am like my computer battery that cannot hold a charge on its own if its life depended on it. it must always be plugged in....

i think more than anything, if my already lack of consistent writing does not evident, that i lack what it takes to maintain myself on the outside. i lose interest. i want to do nothing but disengage my mind. i can hardly read because the words on a page quickly blur. my mind is too full
but it is not emptying itself.
it only empties, i remind myself, when i let the words out.

stephanie, who i'm spending a long weekend in portland with,
keeps talking about the sabbath
and spiritual discipline in general
based on a book she's reading, which i may need to own. i hope she will
continue to proselytize me with it.
i want to stop the singeing of my soul
before its too black. without flavor.
without life.

maybe she is on to something worthwhile.

i dream of africa.

really that's all i can think about. is going back. my heart beats faster...its a crush that started when i least expected...at moody's mission conference of all places. i hate when trying to remember an experience, the details seem to constantly slip...fade..but i can remember
.the first time i met laraba and painting her hand with gentian violet
.bringing estha to play with kids in blindtown
.the fulani market. i have no idea where. but there were bright pink and purple wrapped braids; 2 men with canes and sunglasses resembling the blind mice. one tall. one short.
.the fulani man wearing a blue cap sitting off to the side in the village.
.how the streets smelled. walking on them and jumping over where slabs of cement were missing.
.the taxis. the first one i rode in with rain water splashing up as the floor board was missing. one broke down and left us to fend for ourselves.
.the mattresses...on top of the van as we again, went somewhere i cant remember. but the 2nd village we went to, there was a women with the most intricately tattooed face. singing drunkenly to us. but before that there were yellow yams.
.yellow plastic bags.
.the {illegal} achebe rides.

.long talks over apple chamomile tea and hob nobs...

.feeling abandoned by christianity. unable to identify with how i thought i was supposed to react or what i was meant to represent.

it was just me and estha in the hospital room.

and she wouldn't let go of my hand.

tin foil reminders.

i just ate a piece of dove chocolate that reminded me to steal 5 minutes for myself which reminded me its 10.30, i need to write 10 minutes. this morning in passdown (my daily 8 am meeting) a co-worker stated that if the printer wasn't working she might as well not even be here since there was nothing she could get done.
really. oh if only i could say
'no body feels like coming into treatment, i'm going to...'

go to a morning yoga class
re-eat breakfast...with coffee and a book
write my proposal to anna of why i should go to kenya
probably not GRE study
meander lincoln park in west seattle
maybe even jump on the ferry to vashon
drink a really jammy glass of wine
make a skirt
call Britt
make something lentil...i've been craving them lately

BUT
i'm in this chair, in front of this computer
with 3 open bedlists.
and too many available beds.

again i wonder
why dont more social workers have charming blogs like
this
or
this